roller coster day
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Today has been quite a roller coaster day of emotions for me.
First, it start off with my church service in the afternoon. Really learnt a lot from sermon today and some of my doubts which i had are answered too. There are many times when helping others, made me felt burdened. Treating others well, yet not recognise. I began to feel like my father in heaven do not take into account my feelings and that my life is just a tool of his, he just did not love me so much which i once believed.
"My God, my god, why have you forsaken me? " Matthew 27:46 Jesus cried out to the lord about the ninth hour of the cruxification. This verse first strike me on good friday last year, and recently too. Jesus, who was without sin, but bear the sins of the world have to go though separation from god at the cross. It is very painful, not just physically, but emotionally too. But does that mean the father no longer love him nor care for him? NO.
I was reminded once again that love is obedience and is God who i can trust. For the wages of sin is death, God save me from eternal death by sending his one and only son to die for my sins on the cross. The most cruel and humilating way to die. I was quite stupid to think that my father is very self centered and now i just want to be in awe with him.
Next up today is... shooting club dinner! Went to bedok botak jones and ordered fish and chip with my favourite side- double baked cheese potato! Of course food is not the MAIN point of gathering, but to celebrate a belated birthday for wen fong. Kudos to him who drove each of us back- yes, despite need-ing to take ferry to tekong early morning tml and by the time he drove us is alr 12am plus (:
My day could have been quite fufiling IF it ends here, but not when i reached home. Upon reaching home, i realised that my dearest neighbour is running for vice president for my hall! - dun misunderstood me here. I am actually carrying mixed feelings here. First is i am totally in the dark that she is gonna to be vice president. Secondly, i am really lost of words to descibe my emotions here.
Besides that, what hit me the most is having to end my day with a passion lost. Yes. Psychoing myself that its ok, i am fine, but my stubborn heart refuse to give in to my brain. You may wonder "wadssup?" I receive an email on the interview results for a cambodia trip organised by my sch first aid society. I am not selected. I am NOT selected. I AM NOT SELECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It may be- huh? big deal. But its a VERY big deal to me. All along i really want to go overseas for some first aid basis. Though my church also organise mission trips to Cambodia, but it is quite different. It is one of the rare cases when i actually went on to apply and realise my dream. For most of the time i am quite passive in pursuing what i really really want. And POP, goes my heart.
Originally looking very forward to holidays towards the trip, being excited for weeks, whole schedule place aside for it and.. really lost now.. dejected.. empty.. walking zombie without hope. The feeling is really bad. Shall sleep and.. better tml? Maybe. Hopelly ..
