SMILE ت

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I am just procrstinating and it is v bad. Don'y know why there is this lazy bug staying in me.

But one thing that i did not procrastinate so far is jogging. Been sticking to the timetable i drew out so far and just start running 5km! And it comes with a little price-purple second toe. Cant imagine what will happen during 42km.

Recently somethings just went through my mind and it seems like God is not answering my questions (though i know he will but just some insecurities in me). There was this day when I am really really sad and I have to go out. I prayed that bus 37 will come- I have this peference for the number 37 and yes it did. For a moment, I was reminded again that God knows everything I have been through and he has his reasons why certain issues I had seemed unanswered. It may seem quite trivial, the part on bus 37- some people may prefer to call it coincidence but I am going to come back to it again.

Monday, I was woken up at 6 sth am by my sis pulling my leg. She told me that our hamster HAPPY that had been with us for two years was dead. I did not cry, but just not used to it. I was with my sis the whole process of packing happy into a nice box and its disposal. I was sad seeing my sis kept crying and packing some of happy favourite food into the box too. Though happy always did not allow us to touch him and will bite us when we did, he still have his adorable moments.

Suppose to meet my frens for a jog 8am that very morning happy pass away. Its quite emmotional and this time too, I prayed for bus 37 and it came. Just comforted once again and know that when God said in the bible he will never forsake me- he really meant it.

Thats what I have been through so far during my last week of TEENAGE life. FYI, my house bus stop has alot of services, 8 of them in total.

writtern @4:24 AM

father's day

Monday, June 21, 2010

I want to celebrate father's day just like everyone else who has a dad. Dint my dad knows? Where is the dad who used to piggy back me when i struggled to wake up, the dad who always cooks for me when i am starving, who always defend me from being caned.

Business and ambition is important, but family is not a last pirority and family members aren't people whom you met only once a year.

Dint have my family celebrating my birthday since i was 12 years old and that hurts.

- Suuden outburst from heartwarming pics of father's day on fren facebook-

writtern @9:13 AM

Moving on

I Love to look at photos on facebook- nt that i am some stalker, but it shows how much people have moved on. And also how much have i gone through. Moving on is never easy, but a must. Its part of one's maturing process and knowing that we can never have full control over our lives.

Still have some aftermath from leaving hall. Felt quite disconnected from my frens whom i spend almost everyday with for the past 9 mths. But looking at photos on fb i am glad all my frens are moving on pretty well and its time for me to move on as well in a direction different from theirs.

Thank God for the fact that i am not working today or tomorrow and that my mum has went malaysia so i am home alone. Always been praying for a day when i could really sit down and reflect and ta da! This is the day(:

There are still some issues that i need to resolve and some feelings to warp up before moving on to my new semester which i am egearly anticipating! Perhaps embarking on a genting trip two weeks later with my frens from shooting club is a mini getaway for me. P.S it will be my very FIRST time riding on a roller coaster!

I shall continue to enjoy my time alone for the rest of today(:

writtern @12:20 AM

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Friday, June 18, 2010

Welcome to uniqlo! thats my 24 hr job last two days- except that i am a packer in the storeroom so no need to greet haha.

Just a random post. Deep inside me when i really quiten down to think, i feel so lost. I dun know why i seem to keep chasing jobs after jobs after jobs. When i di nothing, my mind wanders away. When i am busy, i questioned myself.

I really don't know what am i doing, why am i doing some things and what i really want. More often than not, things that i want cannot be accomplised based on circumstances which make me vulnerable again. Its a cyle.

Lost. You may feel lost reading this post thats cuz i am lost too.

writtern @8:28 AM

My many roles

Monday, June 7, 2010

I have been a:

-customer server
-waitress
-flyer giver
-game stall tender
-relief "teacher"

haha cool eh? Always on the go doing things, I kind of has satisfaction completing tasks that are on my hands. But it is not very enjoyable when you need to complete task for others. A helping hand, some call it. Almost everyone needs a helping hand at some moments- totally understandable.

But once helping hand become free as and when taken for garanted labour, it become not very nice. Acknowledgement is imporatant to a certain extent. A simple thank you(sincerely) can make up the day of someone who is helping you.

I often reflect if i have taken anyone for garanted in my life because i really detest the feeling for being made used of. Guess i have been bottling up this feeling for quite long so nowadays i am more sensitive to it. Little things will trigger my anger and i kind of felt bad about it.

There are moments when i really want to have some time for myself, but seeing other very stress up, i felt kind of compelled to help up. I always give myself a mental note that my help may not be appreciated and i am not asking for acknowledgement. But i am really struggling in the sense that once help, you will always be the first one to be approached agin and again and again, till a point of taken garanted for. Once a new party comes to offer a hand, all appreciation and gratitude goes to the new hand but what happens to the old? Is it too much for me to even ask for some acknowledgement? Should i tell myself every single second that its ok if my help is being ignored? I am really not feeling ok after being ignored everytime. Hardwork in silence for too long is a morale killer.

For people who always ask others for help- make a point to thank the person, sincerely not just for formality sake. Here i will like to mention someone who i have a new respect for recently. Her name is yunzhen (: She is one who also always consider others first before her and i really respect and admire her for that. Its nt just when she feels like it, but everytime. A lesson which i am learning now cuz always putting others interest before mine is not easy at all.

So here i am, learning a lesson of boosting the morale of others as i have gone through the times of morale keep being stepped by others. Time to give some light to those who have been working in the dark for too long.

writtern @7:49 AM

wine

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Occasions like this calls for a little wine to null senses- just a lilttle. Random thoughts and sleepless nights recently. Don't usually use my brain to reflect very often so when i does, its just... different? Can actually sense some difference in vibes.

Looking back, there are certain things in my life where i felt it was an 遗憾 (forgive me, i feel that chinese words can always bring up the essence of some things). It is not a regret, nor a blame but just moments where I will sigh and shake my head to it.

Knowing time is not in my hands, but His, i could only obey and do what i am supposed to do at that moment. Choosing between what you want to do and what you ought to do isnt an easy thing at all. Maybe looking back moments when i follow my own desires creating a mess in the end, and now choosing instead what i ought to do caused this v weird feeling call 遗憾 which is very difficult to describe.

This may be a reason why i love sad songs but with a little faster pace. Like the link in my blog- v nice song! Its not dramatically emo nor happy but just a tinge of sadness among the pace of the music. Life still need to moves on but there are some nights like this when i feel like having a little wine and stop thinking and sleep. Well mum will scream at me if i go to my house cabinet and pop a bottle of wine now so i will choose the latter one which is to sleep now(:

The earth won't stop revolving if i am emotional. The sun won't stop rising and setting when i am feeling emotional. I am not going to stop breathing when i am feeling emotional. The world and My physical body is moving on. So entire zhongyun will move on- at least not for tonight, will start to bounce again tml.

writtern @9:41 AM